I hope somebody is missing me at night; that he can’t sleep because memories of me are rushing in his head every time he closes his eyes. That he thinks about my body every time he squeezes his pillow. That when something makes him laugh he hears my laugh, vibrating in his head. I hope somebody misses me at 3am in the same way i miss you.
Two days ago i finally decided to talk to the guy i’ve had something going on with for 2 years now. I wanted to know if we will get in a relationship someday, or if it will always be like that: very blurry and unofficial. He said he liked our relation the way it is, and he was scared that if we get serious, we will eventually break up and never be close friends again. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt. I liked the fact that he was honest about it. But I wouldn’t be happy if we continued like this, so i decided to end it completely. It might be selfish but i know that we can’t be just friends, we tried to do it many times and always failed. So, going on with this will only hurt me, because i started to have feelings for him and if i can’t have him for myself only, then i don’t want him. It’s all or nothing.
Right now i’m in that phase where i’m learning how to be independant again. It’s tough but i’m holding on well.
I did realize something though, i really loved him. But i love myself more.
We all love or loved. Either it’s family, friends or a lover. We humans develop feelings towards each others very easily. The only hard part is to admit it. The sad thing is that the more we love, the more we’re afraid to show it. Because truth is, love makes you vulnerable… and it’s scary.
I have so many feelings that are making my heart ache. Is it because i dont express my feelings as much as i should? Or because i have feelings for someone i never thought i’d get so attached to?
I feel like i dont know how to be independent anymore, everything i do recently is based on him. He told me so many good things and made me feel so good that i dont get why he’s not talking to me anymore. I’m still that person he said he loved. So what’s wrong? I pictured all the possible scenarios in my head and they don’t sound so good trust me. It sucks when you realise your feelings for someone who looks like he got over them. And now I’m lost. I don’t want to keep trying to bring back that flame cause deep down i know that maybe its time that this story ends. It’s been 2 years after all and i remember more bad than good times from this ‘relationship’.
I’m gonna try to let it go but its hard when our hands are tied…
I just had a deep talk with my mom about life in general. I’m always surprised to see how much she can see the good side of every awful situation, even her cancer. She told me that one of the things that makes her hold on is what her arabic teacher once said: When you’re at your worst, never forget that some people would be happy to have your bad day. Indeed. Then she started to stare at the wall so i asked what she was thinking about and tears started rolling down her face. I truly believe that nothing scratches your heart more than your mom’s tears. We hugged for 10 minutes, without talking, without moving. It made me feel that everything is going to be alright even though i know it won’t. When i’m in her arms i feel home. But it always makes me think about the fact that one day she won’t be here when i’ll need a hug.
Her health isn’t getting any better and i can’t think about anything else. It gives me headaches. I just hope she’ll see me settled in in life so she can be proud. I just hope she could stay for a bit longer…
Now that i’m back to university, i’m back to the boring routine. Waking up early, getting dressed, going to university, seeing the same people and same building, studying for projects,… I really need something new, anything. It’s a weird feelings because i have a lot of things to do (most of them involve studying) but i’m just not into it. I’m always bored and sleepy, and i feel like i have no purpose or motivation anymore. It’s disturbing because on the other hand i love my major and i can’t wait to work in it in real life.
But if this is living a normal life then maybe it’s not enough for me, i need passion, adrenaline, craziness EVERY day. Because life is shorter than we think, and we never know what can happen tomorrow. But i guess i’m not ready to go out of my comfort zone to try something too crazy. Idk i’m confused…
Today was my birthday, as always, one of my favourite day of the year. My best friends organized me a surprise party who was just like i love them: simple, filled with good energy and gifts that money can’t buy. I usually hate the word “blessed” but that’s exactly how i feel right now; So touched to see that my friends made so much efforts to make me happy.
I think friendships are too underrated sometimes. Because they’re the thing that make us move forward in life. We learn so much from them, and we grow love watered with time and habits.
I think that tonight, i’m going to smile in my sleep. Overdose of happiness.
One more year passed by, and i’m very happy about it.
I try to think about what changed during this year, and i realise that it’s almost everything. I got so much wiser, maybe a little heartless, i saw the true faces of some people i care about, i gained confidence in myself. I also made final decisions for my professional life and met very awesome and interesting people. Okay i just mixed a lot of unrelated stuff but i’ll develop some.
Friendships: I realised that all of the friends i have in my close circle will be here forever. I’m very proud of the selection i’ve made and i really think that my friends are the awesomest people you could meet.
Love: i still haven’t found it but i found something similar: boys i can trust and rely on. And that’s almost enough. I’m constantly meeting , having crushes, and admiring new boys and at the same time i have those 2 guys that i know will always be here for me. I don’t really know how but it mixes well and i’m really in a good position toward relationships and guys right now.
Work: it’s taking a big part of my time right now, i’m experiencing and discovering what i’m gonna work in later and even planning for masters. I got that feeling you get when you know you are in this world to do this and only this. And this feeling is indescribably satisfactory.
So this is kinda it my friends. I will post more often from now on, i forgot how good it felt.
I feel so lonely tonight. I’m so sick of watching pictures, movies and hearing songs about love and lovers. I feel the need to be taken care of, i just want simple pure love. I’m always the girl boys cheat on, the one with friends with benefits, the girl who’s not worth something serious. I don’t know what i’m doing wrong because i’m a very positive and simple kind of person. Its been 19 years and i never had the chance to feel the love. I really think something is wrong but i don’t know what exactly. I feel like i don’t have any more energy to be positive and fake smiles, I just need to get away from society to recharge. And i need to look in someones eyes and get that amazing unexplainable feeling.
NB: I know that my family love me and that they always will, but it’s not the kind of love that i need right now.
NB2: I’m not always sad, i just like to write when i’m not feeling good that’s why i sound depressed in all my posts.
I’m digging deep down in my head. That’s what I do best anyway. But there’s too much mixed feelings tonight. Some of them are in a safe, locked inside me, for my own health I guess. Some others are trying to convince me to do things my brain would not approve of. Sometimes I feel like I’m a sort of masochist. I always ask myself questions and analyze everything I do because I’m curious about me. I can’t handle not understanding everything I do. Maybe I’m a sort of control freak. For example right now; I just got back from a party where I had too much drinks, after a long day at university, and instead of sleeping (because I’m dead tired) I’d rather think, think and write what I’m thinking about.